|~ Jean Baptiste Massieu, translated from French ~ Artist Unknown ~|
Did it make that day a bad day? Absolutely NOT! It was a precious reminder of some of the images, words, feelings that are still impressed on the walls of my heart! I'm grateful for the reminder because now I can take action, to have grace on myself, and wash those walls...again! I haven't always been a grateful heart-wall-washer...no, for years I've been angry, frustrated, irritated, envious, jealous... saturated with grief that things weren't different. Saturated with grief...wow...just to write that brings an amazing reality to some of the depth of pain I've allowed to reside within my heart..and spew out amongst those closest to me. I apologize again to those who have been affected, thank you again for your grace with me.
What happened that day took me back to a snippet of a journal piece I wrote years ago about my self image.
"Hey Beautiful!" As I turned around I could see my tall slender friend, Kay, peering at me over the tops of the hundreds of other Jr. High students running from one class to another. Her face beaming a huge smile, her aqua eyes locked right on... me. There was no doubt she was talking to me, yet how could such a beautiful creature be calling me...beautiful? And yet again...this same scenario repeated itself day after day. I could hear her voice over all the clamoring, all the shouting, all the mumbles and jumbles of hundreds of students. Was it true...or just a nice gesture? I didn't spend much time then trying to figure that out, because those words sunk deep and touched a part of me that just needed to be touched....and for a half second or so... I believed them.
|Me @ 15 hopelessly convinced I was fat in my size 5 jeans in high school|
Even in Jr. High, at a ripe old age of 11-13, I had already convinced myself that the media was right, I was average, not so lovely, not so attractive and I would for sure, never be the cute popular girl in school. This graffiti was splashed all over the walls of my tender heart and I believed it more and more everyday I woke up. Even though I had friends, even had a few boyfriends...even though I was not overweight or deprived in anyway... I continued to compare myself with the hundreds of images I was confronted with on a daily basis that told me if I was not this or that or had this or that ...then I was hopelessly average, below par and would never have popularity, prosperity or success. (things that were stressed to me as important) I, like millions of others, was in serious trouble of losing my very appreciation of life as a vital human being.
I also account another memorable incident concerning my self image on my other blog, where I speak about how disappointed I was the day I realized and confessed in anger that I was mad that I ended up with hips just like my mom. It's worth a read if you have the time... Selah Gay Art Blog
Without going into the whole story of my life...I will say I ended up marrying an amazing man who loved me, and still loves me, with his whole heart, despite my spiraling self worth. Out of this beautiful marriage I have three incredible boys (men!) who all have a wonderful sense of self worth and caring. Miracles DO Happen! Having said that, the years I spent from Jr. High on up have been a continuous spiral of destructive self-talk and depreciation of my self image.
|My Friends...My Precious...My Comfort...Food!|
Over all those years of raising kids and being a wife I continued to recycle my false beliefs, I made some new friends... food (namely sweets and chips), and they were a delightful and tasty comfort to my depressive thoughts. They never talked back to me...they always seemed bring, what I considered to be, "joy" back into my day...and were seemingly a nice friend all in all. But I didn't want to notice that they were actually a wolves in sheeps clothing. The "joy" would hang around for a few hours...until... the crash. But thats ok.. I can do it all over again...right?
The big lie that was carved into my now stony heart was:
This one bite won't hurt... It won't make a difference!
YOU ARE A VITAL, BEAUTIFUL CREATION,
WORTHY OF LIVING A HEALTHY AND FULFILLING LIFE!!!
Living life without believing that truth can lead to a lot of self inflicted sorrow! I'm living proof...and thank God I'm still living to be able to tell my story! Over those years I became a yo yo dieter...losing it all...gaining it back plus some...over and over again...many times never being able to get past the first good intentioned month of dieting. This has wrecked havoc on my God given body...the precious temple that houses my beautiful spirit. I've been rushed to the hospital twice with heart rates over 200, the last one was up to 256 beats a minute. I knew then that if I didn't get a grip of my eating habits I was playing roulette with my life. But, I continued to spin the wheel...I just couldn't let go of...my friends...my precious...my comfort...food.
|By the time they took my ekg my rate had gone DOWN to 216!|
Its so interesting how the whole recycling false beliefs game works...You would think that if you know your life may end at any time because of your obesity you would hop right on that Get Er Done wagon...but instead you look in the mirror, don't like the image, so you eat, then you hate what you've done, so you eat some more, then you wallow, then you ignore the mirror, then you try to convince yourself it doesn't matter, but you know it does, so you eat and grow and expand and so on and so on...it can be a vicious cycle, like an unrelenting hurricane! A cycle not easily broken, especially if you don't believe you are a vital, beautiful being that is worthy of living a healthy and fulfilling life!
|Perhaps this is why I was so driven to paint a hurricane!|
We live the live we expect to live.Therefore if we are not happy with our life,we need only change our expectations! ~ sg ~
I'm so grateful for the day I saw the dust... I don't want it to settle. I want it exposed...I want the sheeps clothing to be ripped off the wolf... I want to look into my own eyes and see the truth...receive it into my heart...and let it shine for others to see it too.
Just the other day, I was putting a little eye makeup on, which I don't wear very often, so I was full face and close up to the mirror. (especially since I can't see without my readers!) And for a split second...I saw her...and she was beautiful, kind and full of life...and I believe it!
She is me...